"Please love me," I want to quietly plead.

"PLEASE LOVE ME" I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

"Please.  Love me."
I want to beg over and over and over again.

What a nightmare it is, to be living out your worst fears.

That you're too much.
That notifications from you are an annoyance.
That you're broken, because you're not happy enough, or because you're depressed all the time.
That promises made to you are not worth keeping, because you aren't worth the effort.

Living the majority of your life on your best behaviour, because being "good" and doing the right thing is what makes you worthy of loving.
Not for being who you are.
No, that's not enough.
You have to follow the rules, you have to put on a smile, you can't feel any "bad" things, you basically have to be perfect to be worth loving.

And then someone comes along who seems to be different.
Someone who cares for you immediately, without even really knowing you.
And then, as they continue to get to know you, they still care.
You haven't - by some miracle - scared them away by being yourself.
Instead, they seem to find your weird quirks and general strangeness...enduring.
They seem to love you for simply you being you.

Flaws, darkness, and all.

You think 'this can't be real.'

After all, no one can really love you for being just yourself.
But you take a deep breath, decide it's worth the risk, and allow yourself two things you never allowed yourself before:
To feel.
And to love without abandon.

After time, like most things in your life, things change, and you're proven right.

It's not worth it to feel.
And you truly are not worth being loved for who you are.

All the promises made.
All the nice words of saying that you'll work through things together, of saying that you're worth loving even if you never change, of saying that you're the love of their life...

and when things get difficult, when the guilt becomes too much to bear, instead of digging in to fight through it, to prove you're worth fighting for, they throw in the towel.

Guilt, I've come to notice, drives people one of two ways.
The first is that it becomes too much.  It's too heavy, it smothers, and because it becomes unbearable to them, and they don't have the skills to cope, they give up.  They quit.
The second, is that they see guilt as the sign of showing them where they can do better, be better.  Instead of quitting, they use the coping skills they have learned, to drive them to actually improve, so that guilt no longer has a hold on them.

My worst fears - and truly, things I have known my whole life, but have hoped against hope they weren't true - have been confirmed.

I am not enough.
I am not worth fighting for.
I am not worth loving.

What is even the point of staying alive, of bothering to try, when the truth has been so solidly confirmed?

You put your entire self out there, you thought - for once in your life - you were finally enough.
Just you.
No skills, no bribes, no gifts.
Just your own self.

And you were wrong.

You are too much.
You are not enough.
You are not worth the effort of loving.

We are all going to die someday.
Why not just speed up the process, and just get it over with?

This pain and hurt and confusion is not worth it.