I hate autumn.

I didn't always used to.
In fact, more than 10 years ago, if asked "what's your favourite season?" I would have answered without thinking: "fall."
But ever since she died, I have hated this time of year.

Fall used to be something I looked forward to.
The cozy warmth of the house in the morning, contrasted by the crisp, cool air as soon as I stepped outside to head to school.
The concept of fall foliage, sights fulfilled by pictures online, as I lived and grew up in an area where things stayed green year round (despite cooler weather during the cold seasons).
The smell of chimney smoke from houses as they warmed the evenings with a fire, ours included.
Grabbing apples off the tree in our backyard, biting into their crisp and tart flesh, the taste bringing a small moment of joy to remind me that this is what life is about.

Autumn brings nostalgia.
I don't know why; but it always has for me.
And before, nostalgia used to be my friend.
I used to fondly remember things in my past, used to love the comfort it brought when I reflected on anything and everything.

Now it's my enemy, and the only thing it gifts me is heartache.

So whenever the season of fall arrives and is in full effect, nostalgia arrives with it, and so does the heaviness of things I'd rather forget.

Being where I (geographically) am now, it's worse this year.
If you had asked me a couple months ago, I wouldn't have been able to tell you why.
But I have realised why the autumns in the past three years were much more bearable.

For one, I lived in an area where the fall season actually happened. 
Same cool, crisp air mornings, but accompanied by trees that actually changed with the season.
(Beauty in nature does wonders for the soul.)
But I was also with someone who, for a time, made life better.
And the combination of those two things, somehow made the bitterness and heartache of the fall season something I was able to completely forget.

Now I am both without that person, and in a place where fall - although it still occurs out this way - is not as prominent.

I am not okay.
And I just want this all to end.