I am not nearly as intoxicated as I wish I was.
To numb out the pain.
To make writing and processing this easier.

Do you know what a tremendous amount of hurt comes from facing the fact that the person who was supposed to be your person, doesn't want to talk with you?  Doesn't want to hear from you, thinks notifications of your texts are just another annoyance, that you aren't worth giving the time of day.

What did I do wrong?

I cannot express what it feels like to have some of your worst fears become reality; that you aren't worth loving, you aren't worth fighting for, that you're too much, that you're annoying, that you aren't worth loving.

My whole existence is a joke.

Ignored for the majority of my life except for when I misbehaved or didn't live up to the standards of those around me.
Ignored when I'm with friends, when I start to answer a question, only to be interrupted in the middle of it, and forgotten.
Overruled by my family members who, when I talk about things that I think about myself, or things that may be true about me, are ignored and/or rejected because clearly they know better than me (right?).
Ignored by the one who was supposed to be on my side, be my teammate, be with me through good and bad, because he doesn't like me for me, or wants anything to do with me, and has become completely apathetic to the struggles I face with mental health.

I am worthless.

I am not worth loving.
Not worth sticking around for.
Not worth anything.

I can't believe I fooled myself into thinking otherwise, even for a short while.

Idiot.