I cannot tell you how the darkness inside me has grown.
The last time I felt like this was probably close to 10 years ago.
Feeling so tormented inside, in my head, every waking moment, I sometimes thought I was going to go mad.

Mad with grief, mad with loss, mad with pain.

Loss is part of life, right?
Except the times when it shouldn't be.

You lose someone you love, someone who was dear to you, because death took them.
They didn't have a choice.  They didn't willingly leave you.  Their presence was stolen by death, whether the cause was old age or something else.
That kind of loss stings, but it's understandable.
Because they didn't choose to leave you.

And then there's loss when someone who said they loved you...someone who made a vow for better or worse, in sickness and in health, would only part ways with you when death took them...except death didn't take them.
They willingly walked away.

How do you recover from that?
Please tell me, I'm begging for anyone to tell me, how do you recover from that?

Because I am trying to make sense of it all in my head.
Trying to understand how he could tell me I was the love of his life, his best friend, how he would be able to continue on if he ever lost me but it would be difficult for him, only to then turn around and abandon me.
First to move someplace else without me, although that's absolutely not how marriage works.  And then to decide that he didn't want to be married to me anymore.

I can't make sense of it.
I have tried.
I keep trying.
But I can't.

The absolute opposing existence actions and words.
I'm the love of your life, but you don't want me anymore.
If you lost me it would be difficult to move on, yet you willingly lost me by walking away, and have easily moved on.
Giving your word that you would be by my side until death, but death hasn't taken you away from me.

I don't throw around the word trauma lightly.
I think too many people these days throw around words for things that don't actually apply to them, but they use them anyway, because it's a trend, or they've convinced themselves that's what it is (when in reality, it's probably something different, or not as major as they make it out to be).

But this decision that he's made, this choice, he made for him.
And in making this choice for himself, it has impacted every single facet of my life, too.
Because that's what happens when you marry someone.  Two lives become intertwined together; they become one shared life.  Or at least, that's what should happen.
It's clear his life was not shared with mine, but my life was absolutely intertwined with his.
And now a part of me has been ripped away forever.
A wound that will never heal.
A heart that will never be repaired.
A life that has been robbed of all its dreams of the future.

And that is nothing if not traumatic.
The trauma of being abandoned.
The trauma of extreme betrayal.
The trauma of being told that I matter, that I'm valued, that I'm wanted and desired, that I'm worth it...only to have it all turn out to be lies.
Because if any of that was true, he would still be here, by my side.

All of this, everything that has happened, the choice that he has made, is one big mindfuck. 
One small decision for him, but that small decision has seeped into every crevice of my sanity and is slowly tearing me apart inside.

I have so many noticeable white hairs on my head, that have cropped up seemingly overnight in the past year and a half from the stress and trauma of all this.
I can't sleep well at night anymore, and its taking a toll on my body.
I've lost my appetite because every time I think about what is happening to me, I get sick to my stomach.
I've stopped going to the gym and to therapy, because existing is a challenge in and of itself.
I can't even enjoy the things I used to enjoy, like baking or hiking.  I've tried.  I went hiking a week ago, and felt absolutely nothing being outside in nature, whereas before, such a simple thing as being outside would do wonders for me.

All those times he told me it would get better, that we would get better, that he wanted to work on himself for me and for us, that we would get through the hard times...those were all lies.
I should have known.
Because I saw the evidence of his hard work when he actually wanted to work on something.  I saw his determination and his willingness, the time he put into the things that mattered to him.
And I saw the lack of it when it came to our marriage.

I feel like I'm in psychological warfare, except there's no war.
There's no one to fight.
The last 6 years were one big joke, one long stint of telling me that I was loved and wanted for who I was, except surprise, I'm not.  
He grew tired of me, realised he didn't actually like who I was, and walked away, because I couldn't give him what he wanted anymore (whatever that was in the first place, I have no idea).

I don't know how much more of this I can handle.
In fact, I know I can't take this for much longer.

Him saying that he still loves me, still cares about me.
How am I supposed to believe that, when he's said that since the beginning, only to repeatedly show me the exact opposite through his actions?
How am I supposed to trust anything he tells me anymore, when everything has been a lie?
How am I supposed to trust anyone in my life, when the majority of my life and the people who were supposed to care for me repeatedly failed me and didn't keep their word?  Didn't provide the basic needs that every person - every child - has?

Lesson learned.
I can't trust anyone.
And I am not worth anything.

Even worse (if anything truly can be worse), is that with him walking away, he has robbed me of my chance to have a future with my own family.  The family I wanted to build with him.  The family he led me to believe he wanted with me, too.
He thinks I'll find someone else.
But if I truly believe what the bible says (even though I haven't called myself a Christian for the past 7 years), divorce is it.  Marrying someone else is committing adultery, which means sinning.

I never, ever thought the man I loved, the man I gave my heart to, the man I let see more of me than anyone else in my life, would abandon me, much less rob me of my future.  Our future.

I can't keep doing this.
I can't continue to live, when I have no reason to continue living.

All hope is lost.
All dreams are crushed.

I hope that someday soon I will finally get over my cowardice and end this suffering once and for all.

Because it is too much, and I cannot live like this for much longer.

This hurt is too great.
This torment too much to bear.