It's been over two months since I've cried.
That's a record.  For recent years, at least.

2017 B.C.E. (Before Carlos Existed), I only ever cried once every year/once every two years.
Then I met a man who I decided was worth feeling things for.  Which made me realise that I'm a hyper sensitive person, and I cried a lot (compared to my whole life before him), because when you let yourself feel things and let yourself be vulnerable for a person in your life, turns out they have a lot of power and influence over you, and can do a lot of damage with their words and actions.

But I am recovering.
I have decided that my decision to feel things for the man that I loved was a bad one, and I am working on reversing that.
I am working on not feeling things again.
On not crying over anything again; just like I did before I met him.

Because feeling things is not worth it.
Love is not worth it.
And I will never love again as long as I live (which, hopefully, is a short time, and not elongated).

I am confident I can write whatever I want on here.

You know why?
Because I always have.  I have never been one to beat around the bush.  I have always been honest about how I feel, about my thoughts, about, well, everything.

Years ago I shared my blogs with him.
Back in the early years when we were dating.
Because I trusted him.  And I wanted to share with him the real me.  The me I didn't really let anyone else see (including my family).

Back then he told me he read the entirety of my blog.
But knowing what I know now, I bet that was a lie.  He didn't actually read every single post.  Maybe just skimmed all of them, or only read the ones that interested him.  But definitely didn't read every single one, word for word.
That probably didn't matter to him, and he probably thought it was an "innocent" lie.

There were a lot of those, I think.

That's why I know I can write whatever on here.
Not just because that's what I've always done.
But also because I know he doesn't read this/absolutely doesn't care about me.

I'm not an idiot.  At least, not when it comes to this.
(I was, however, an idiot on the day we married, believing he meant the vows he made, that only death would tear us apart.)
I know he doesn't read this.  I know he never did after I initially sent it to him.

How do I know?
Easy. 
He was never curious about me after we married.

Before, when we were dating, I wouldn't say he was "curious."
More so toxic and possibly narcissistic on how he treated me, and approached things.  Like me wearing makeup.  Or even me wearing dresses for work (or outside of work).

And then we married.
And while the toxicity was still there, somehow it changed.
He still wanted to know if I talked to guys, if they seemed to flirt with me (and I felt compelled to share with him every single interaction I had with the opposite sex - if only to be transparent, but also so he wouldn't get mad at me).
But it also seemed, after a year or so, he didn't care.

Maybe it was because we were finally together again, and I didn't have any friends in the area in which we were living, so to him no one was a threat.  (Until they were, by how I was acting, somehow.) 
But also because we were together and I had no friends, he probably didn't feel much need to be curious about me.  Or check up on me.  Because I was isolated.  I had no one outside of him; in the immediate area, at least.

So why would he be curious?

He wasn't.
His only "curiosity" came out when we weren't getting along, and he accused me of cheating on him.  When he had absolutely no basis to do so, because he knew I didn't know anyone in the area, and didn't have any friends.
(Psychologically speaking, his accusations were definitely projections, which means his accusations of me cheating means he was cheating on me.  Which I will never not be convinced he didn't cheat on me.  His accusations were pretty clear evidence he did, if nothing else.)

Apart from that, though, he didn't care about me.
Didn't continue to try to get to know me.  Didn't show any interest in the things I cared about (outside of the things he cared about, at least)

So why the fuck would he read my blog?

He wouldn't.
Because he didn't care about me.

And he definitely doesn't care about me now.
After all, he abandoned me.
He left me.
We were married, and he decided he wanted to move to a different place without me, which is absolutely fucked up, and not at all what a husband should do in a marriage.

And yet, he did.

And it was only a matter of time before he decided he didn't want to be married to me, after all the years of lying, of telling me he loved me, of telling me he cared about me, of telling me things were going to get better, that he was going to get better, that we were going to get better and be better, and be stronger...

All of that was a load of bullshit.

So it makes sense why my brain is so fucked up.
Why I feel like I'm going insane.
Why all the years I spent with him were years filled with lies.

Because that's what betrayal trauma does.

A person makes promises to you, makes vows to you, then turns around and breaks them.
The very person who was terrified when you first got together of you leaving him, of saying that you deserved someone better...that's the person who finally calls it quits.
Who abandons you.
Who leaves you and breaks his word to you and repeats the exact same pattern his own father pulled on his family (albeit a different way, but still abandonment, although two very different examples).

And what's worse?

He has ruined your entire life.
Your entire future.
All your hopes and dreams of the future you would share with him.  All the talk (that he started) of the babies you would have some day, the grandchildren you would have someday.  The found family both of you chose.

All of that crushed.

And his delusion that you'll find someone "better."

Which is absolute bullshit.

Because even if you found someone "better," even though you haven't called yourself a "Christian" in over 7 years, if you were to believe the Bible, if you were to turn around and call yourself a Christian, you would be damned.
Because the bible states that even though God hates divorce, it is permitted if the unbelieving spouse walks away.
But to get remarried is a sin, it is to commit adultery, because so long as there's any hope of reconciliation, it is not okay to get remarried.

So his decision to leave you, to abandon you, has robbed you.
Of everything.
Of a future.  Of love.  Of starting a family with the man you chose.

Of all of it.

So what is the point?
What is the point to continue to try?
To continue to live?
To continue to do anything?

There is no point.

You found the man you love.
Against all odds, against a lot of things, you still chose him.  Regardless of the differences.  Regardless of the toxicity of your relationship.
You saw him, you chose him, and you rose up in love.

And he abandoned you.

So there is no point.
There is no future.
All hopes and dreams have been robbed of you.

He robbed you, when he made his life-altering decision that impacted you, too, even though he refused to acknowledge the fact.

So you are left with nothing.
No hope.
No future.
No love.

We all die, someday.
Might as well make it sooner rather than later.
Especially when the man you loved robbed you of all the hopes and dreams you built of a future life with him.