Life Allegory I

The days seemed to go by so fast when I was with you.  They were filled with laughter, sunshine, long walks, words, affections.  We grew so close in such a short amount of time; you were the kind of friend I had never had before.

Each moment spent with you I held dear.  Every word exchanged, every smile shared, every touch - all treasured, all remembered.  None of it, however, a sign of what was to come.

It happened subtly at first.  Not to where I could even notice.  Just a quick glance or two in their direction.  But then those glances led to other things.

Soon they were included when we spent time together.  It was no longer you and I.  It was you, them, and myself.

Shortly after that, they were let in on the jokes, on the smiles, on the laughs.  I didn't mind that so much.  Sometimes they were a part of those things; those memories and experiences.  It didn't stop there, though.

You would always hold my hand.  You would always lean on me.  But soon you occasionally leaned on them.  And the first time you held their hand...I remember that time.  I still remember the shock, the pain.

Your attention and devotion was now divided between myself and them.  As time moved on, so did you.

More and more you spent your time focused on them.  You told them everything like you used to tell me.  You laughed about the same things, shared those secret smiles, gave your hand for them to hold.

Your world centered around them; and their world centered around you...just like my world was.  But I was no longer in the foreground of the picture.  I was just another shadow; another background filler.

And when I finally faded away into the distance, you didn't even notice...

Distraught Happiness

Here.  Being here at my home-away-from-home.   I'm happy to be here.  Walking around, recalling so many memories...both good and bad.   Such a bittersweet recollection of a plethora of images.

But being here bring the feeling of distress.  Knowing that I have to leave again.   Not knowing when I'll see people again.   That is the hard part.  That is what hurts.

Sometimes I wish my memory wasn't so good.   I wish my mind couldn't recall images so vividly, replay such strong emotions, or anything else associated with memory.

There are things I wish I could forget.  Events and seasons that I don't want to remember.  Why? Because there are memories to me that are too disgusting, too shameful, too painful, too stupid, too ridiculous.  Why would I want to remember those things?

And just like what is going on right now.  It seems like last time I was here I struggled with this.  Of course, there was a different person involved.  But same person or not, the feelings have a similar feel to them.  And I hate them.

I was stupid enough last time to believe that this was real.   I'm smart enough this time to know it's not.  If there ever came a point in my life where I would be ready for something like this, it definitely is not now.   It most definitely won't be for at least another two years.   At least.

Last time this happened there was a lot of turmoil, heartache, distraction.   I know now that those feelings should have been an obvious sign that it was not from God.  Just like this.   This is not from my Father.  I'm not ready for this, it's not right, it's never going to happen.

I only want my focus to be on God.   Not on something like this - even if this is something that might occur in the future.   I want to be so captivated by Jesus that if this were to ever take place in my life, He would have to do something radical to wake me up and point me in this direction.

But now is not the time.   This is not the one.  There is still so much to be done, so much to be accomplished, so much to learn, so much to mature and grow in, before this would ever happen.

If I allow any distraction in my life, I want God to distract me from Himself.  No other thing and no other person should be able to distract me if my focus is so intent on God like it should be and like I want it to be.

Jesus, heal my heart. Captivate it. Take it and lock it away.

I only want eyes for You...

I Love Indians!

- You are immune to bondage, to the power of darkness, to backsliding.
- Don't go back to the old ways, but go out and win souls!
- What can separate us from the love of God?


On Friday night, I went to an international home fellowship.  It took place here in Oklahoma.  My sister has attended it for the past few years that she has gone to school here.  The majority of the people there were Indians.

The man who spoke was incredible.  He was the father of one of the regulars who attend the fellowship, and - I believe - was visiting from India.  This man was in direct alignment with God.  What he spoke hit home for me...it reached the very depths of my soul.

If it has not been obvious, I've been struggling lately.  What with all the changes that have taken place in my life for the past few weeks, and not disciplining myself to keep my focus first and foremost on God, things have gone kind of downhill.  I allowed myself to fall back into old habits, old ways of thinking, old excuses - and I even fell back into resorting to cutting for wanting to feel in control.  And that, was wrong.

The man who spoke taught on grace and God's faithfulness.  Two themes that have run very deep within my life for the past half year at least.  The things he said were speaking to my heart in such a revolutionary way - Jesus placed me in the right place at the right time.

While he was talking, I realized something.  Even though I felt as though I had failed, that I possibly fell back and destroyed my delieverance, I knew that I hadn't.  How?  Well, it wasn't because I wasn't struggling with feeling as though I was struggling with depression again.  It was because of the evidence that I am no longer a "roller-coaster" Christian.  In the past, I would get excited about things, pumped up by circumstances or events.  But that excitement soon died for one reason or another.  Now, though, when things happen in my spiritual life that I get excited about, the excitement, the fervor, sticks.  It doesn't fade away.  And God was showing me that because of this so-obvious evidence, I have not fallen back.  That I am still free.

At the end of the talk, they had a time open for people who wanted prayer.  While a guy played guitar, the man who spoke stood and prayed for each person who came up.  After the first few people, I felt like I should go up to him; not only that, I knew I needed to.  I needed to.

And so, I did.  When I first went up there, the presence of God was strong.  So strong, in fact, that I felt like crying.  Then the man began praying for me.  And what he said - my God, what he said - was exactly from You.  It was exactly from my Father.  It was exactly what I needed to hear.

Some of the most vital things that he said, were these:
"Don't forget what you've been delievered from."
"Keep moving forward - don't fall backward."
"Stay in the will of God."
"Let praise come out of my mouth."

I couldn't hold back the tears.  When he finished praying, I headed back to my seat, and let the tears fall even more freely.  My sister, who was sitting next to me, rubbed my back as I sobbed.  As always, my Father proved to yet again be faithful as He always is.  My Father spoke to me exactly what I needed to hear, at the right time that I needed to hear it. 
I was encouraged.  I was reminded that He knows me.  I was comforted to hear His direct words being spoken to me.

I tell you, after having a lack of good, solid Christian fellowship and encouragement for a little over a month, it was good to be back in such an environment as that.  I am so grateful that God can work through whomever He choses to speak to His children.  That in the place when I felt the most weak, the most discouraged, the most lost, He reminded me that He knows me, is looking out for me, and loves me.

And I tell you, that is the most amazing thing in the world.


"If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself."
- 2 Timothy 2.13