Distraught Happiness

Here.  Being here at my home-away-from-home.   I'm happy to be here.  Walking around, recalling so many memories...both good and bad.   Such a bittersweet recollection of a plethora of images.

But being here bring the feeling of distress.  Knowing that I have to leave again.   Not knowing when I'll see people again.   That is the hard part.  That is what hurts.

Sometimes I wish my memory wasn't so good.   I wish my mind couldn't recall images so vividly, replay such strong emotions, or anything else associated with memory.

There are things I wish I could forget.  Events and seasons that I don't want to remember.  Why? Because there are memories to me that are too disgusting, too shameful, too painful, too stupid, too ridiculous.  Why would I want to remember those things?

And just like what is going on right now.  It seems like last time I was here I struggled with this.  Of course, there was a different person involved.  But same person or not, the feelings have a similar feel to them.  And I hate them.

I was stupid enough last time to believe that this was real.   I'm smart enough this time to know it's not.  If there ever came a point in my life where I would be ready for something like this, it definitely is not now.   It most definitely won't be for at least another two years.   At least.

Last time this happened there was a lot of turmoil, heartache, distraction.   I know now that those feelings should have been an obvious sign that it was not from God.  Just like this.   This is not from my Father.  I'm not ready for this, it's not right, it's never going to happen.

I only want my focus to be on God.   Not on something like this - even if this is something that might occur in the future.   I want to be so captivated by Jesus that if this were to ever take place in my life, He would have to do something radical to wake me up and point me in this direction.

But now is not the time.   This is not the one.  There is still so much to be done, so much to be accomplished, so much to learn, so much to mature and grow in, before this would ever happen.

If I allow any distraction in my life, I want God to distract me from Himself.  No other thing and no other person should be able to distract me if my focus is so intent on God like it should be and like I want it to be.

Jesus, heal my heart. Captivate it. Take it and lock it away.

I only want eyes for You...