Journal Revelations (Part I)

The following four posts will be excerpts from my journal when I went on my two-month outreach to Turkey, Georgia, and Azerbaijan with my DTS team.  The dates are included in when they were written.

21.1.2011

So much has happened...and I'll catch up on it soon.  Right now, however, there are more pressing matters.  My Father has been speaking to my heart about quite a few things.  I'll begin with what was on my mind that caused me to write this.

Dad wrote a note on Facebook.  He titled it "Moonlit Boneyard.". He mentioned how Hell is never full...how it expands to make room...how it'll never have a "no vacancy" sign.  He said his adrenalin gets pumping when he thinks of ways to bring it into recession.

Anyways, what he said about it never getting full got me thinking.  I realized just how selfish I am.  How on earth can I call myself a Christian, but not care enough about the souls of others to reveal the truth to them?  How on earth could anyone call themselves a Christian but not be concerned for the souls around them?  Because of my unconcern, it seems to me that I don't love my [secular] friends as much as I should.  It seems to me that I don't love anyone who is unsaved as much as I should.

I need to stop being so selfish.  I need to stop caring about myself and what others think of me.  I say I'm willing to be a fool for for Jesus...but am I really?  What have I done to prove that?  So what if I mess up, make mistakes, don't get it right, say the wrong words?  The point will be that I made the effort...and if I truly have a heart for the people and unconditional love for each individual, than that will show through.  In the song that Sean wrote, he said that God's heart is for every individual to get saved...and he's right.  How can I pray and ask for God's heart and not want to see others saved?

I need and want to cultivate a Christ-like lifestyle.  To get to the point in my life where I tell everyone I meet about God's love.  To walk up to the [physically and mentally] sick on the street and see healings daily.  That when I'm married and have kids, that it will be a normal thing for them to see people healed and raised from the dead.

Oh Father!  To get to that place!  To be unashamed and unafraid.  To truly have Your heart for everyone around me.  To live as Jesus lived.  Give me Your eyes.  Give me Your heart.  Help me.  Guide me into Your perfect will and the calling You have placed on my life.  I desire, above all else, to be fully Yours.  To live for You and You alone.

There's something else that God has shown me.  Just to state for the record, while back home on the Land, I struggled for a while with emotions for someone.  However, I noticed that whenever they weren't around (and by that, I mean gone, not just that I didn't see them on the Land) I didn't really feel anything emotion-wise.  As when I thought about them, it was "oh, nice guy, good friend" kind of thing.  But when I saw them, the attraction would rise up.  Being away for so long though, and having no contact, I - yet again - don't feel anything.  Then again, I haven't allowed myself the luxury of trying to feel anything.  I'm just keeping my focus on God where it needs to and should be.

About three weeks before the lecture phase ended, I was asking my Father to remove the emotions if they weren't from Him.  I believe He has; but I haven't tried to determine if it's permanent, or just for this time so I can focus on the task at hand.  Either way, I'm at peace, because I know He has His best in mind for me.

Before, I would be concerned with the thought of "what if he isn't the right person like I think him to be?"  I don't struggle with that thought anymore.  It's not because I know for certain that he is or isn't.  It just isn't as important as I once thought it to be.  It could be this way because God is preparing someone else for me...or it could be that I'm learning not to worry and to fully trust Him.  I know how strong my desire for marriage was before, and it's changed...it has almost gone in the opposite direction.

Basically, my Father has been showing me several things in regards to this.  Due to some things that need to be worked through, I'm not ready for marriage like I thought.  And learning to fully rely on God and to trust Him is something that I'm grateful for.  I get excited when I think about my future with my Father, and all the great [unknown] plans He has for me.  I would rather be single all my life, living it fully for Him, than to be married and out of His will and plan.

He is teaching me how to be fully satisfied in Him.  Oh, what a wonderful thing it is!  To have the privilege of loving Him...and the honor of being loved by Him...