Fear

I can't even begin to number the times at night when I've laid awake, wishing I could fall asleep, but instead am kept alert by the chaotic noise in my head. Or the times when I've turned out the light and I'm on the verge of falling asleep, when fears begin to overtake my mind, and I'm jolted to reality. Even worse, I have to turn the light back on because the fear is too great.

I don't know what to do. For seven long years, the same fear has more or less haunted me on a consistent basis. There was a time of several months when it seemed to no longer be an issue, but that was a couple of years ago. It has since returned, and recently, grown worse.

There are different kinds of fears. Irrational, those based off of past negative experiences, and the those we have due to our inability to escape what exactly it is we fear. The one which has embedded itself deep within me falls into the very last category.

Among the human population, there are two fears. Death, and public speaking. Did you know that the latter is feared more than the former?

Death is what I fear most. The awful thing about this fear, the very thing that could drive a person mad because of it, is that it is inescapable. People who fear social interaction, heights, germs, etc., have ways of avoiding such things, even if their methods are extreme. But to fear something that will inevitably happen, is a horrific thing.

I don't know why I have this fear. I know I can pinpoint when it first began, but even that doesn't explain its reason. Over and over I've tried to analyse the basis of this issue. But over and over, I have no clue, no leading, no hint as to its cause.

I know what I may do, in accordance with the Bible, so as to expel fear of any kind from my life. I know that if I do what it necessary, than it will be a foolproof form of action. However, I also know - due to past experience - that if I try to fight fear, then it often grows worse. Perhaps it is the case of something getting worse before it gets better, but perhaps not.

I don't want to have a worse case than what already exists as a cause of this fear. Panic attacks; most happen at night. I'll be sound asleep, then wake up suddenly, think 'I am going to die someday,' hyperventilate and feel extreme terror, then fall back asleep a minute later. Should panic attacks occur during the day, I am able to curve them enough so they won't be very bad, but I've no control over them at night.

This is what prevents me from sleeping at night. I am back to the point where I have to wait until I'm so tired I am no longer able to keep my eyes open, before attempting to fall asleep. Any sooner, and the terrors begin to grow.

I'm at a loss. I know things can't (and shouldn't) continue this way. My humanity wants to try to find a rational reason and explanation for all of this; to logically find the cause for this fear. If this were possible, it would help explain things in a clearer manner, and possibly lead to a solution of approaching and dispensing of this fear.

However, even if a solution was attainable by logic, morality tells me it's not the proper way to go about it. The proper way is through being perfected in love (see 1John 4.18). Only then will my life be absent of fear. And I know that. Getting to that point will be very difficult and complicated for me. Which means a great length of time. And honestly, I don't know if I will be able to last that long.

The nights grow longer and darker. At times it seems as if the light will never appear. And I wonder...is it really worth being here? Then in an unexpected moment, His peace washes over me. I am then reminded that I must continue to fight; for even though I've been given this life to live without first being asked, and I'd much rather it wasn't so, there's Something far greater at work. A battle of good and evil is constantly being fought. We each have a part to play, a side to choose. I must make my choice and do all that I can. My time will only last so long, and I mustn't let it go to waste. So help me please, to do all that is right. Not because my head believes it so, but because my heart says it to be so.