Without A Voice

Last night I was placed in a situation of confrontation. We'll skip what it was all about, because that has nothing to do with the purpose of this post. However, the reason why I bring it up, is because when one is placed in a position of conversation, both talking and listening are things which must take place for it to be successful.

While there were many moments of silence in which I was given ample opportunities to speak during this confrontation, I did not speak at all. You may wonder why I did not do so, when given the floor (so to speak), and all attention was on me. I was asking myself the same question. I had the opportunity, the attention, the silence...and yet for the life of me, I could not bring myself to speak.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has experienced the terror of wanting to speak up, to voice a suggestion, opinion, to say what needs to be said - only to find the words running through your head, but not coming out of your mouth. And the pressure of wanting to speak up just continues to grow until you feel like you're going to explode into a million pieces from the inside out, yet still no words come out. This was happening to me, and I found myself questioning 'Why?'

Why, when I'm around people with whom I am very familiar, do I find myself stuck? It happens (and is more understandable in this regard) when I'm around people that I hardly know; but why with individuals that I've known all my life?

Well, being the person that I am, I found myself analysing the situation, and why I felt the way I did. After a bit of time, I discovered the reason. Past experience.

Not through repetitive occurrences, but times when it's happened often enough, interactions with one or more individual(s) has left me impaired. What I mean, is in the past, there have been times when I've been speaking to someone, only to realise that they either are not listening, don't understand, or have shown disrespect in some form or another. Because of the frustration that I've experienced through these encounters, it keeps me from wanting to repeat the discomfort. And thus, my inability to speak up - despite how much I may want (or need) to - keeps me from saying what I should.

And now here I am, in the early hours of the morning, wracking my brain in trying to think of a way to speak up. Because in this situation, I have to, as it is still unresolved. But how do I go about doing so? I was told that an e-mail is not allowed - and for someone like me, who is able to communicate much more clearly through the written word, this restriction makes things difficult.

It's a difficult thing to have a voice, and yet not find the ability to use it when you should.