Slice.

That's the word I used to think with every cut.

Slice slice slice.

It's been about a year since I last cut.  I am, more or less, free from the struggle which consumed my life for years.

But lately, life has been hard.  Too many things are going on.  I cannot stop my mind from its constant prattle, so many words screaming and turning every which way.  The only way to shut them up is with sleep.  Or to remain so preoccupied that I have no time to think.

Still.  Every once in a while, that urge to cut comes back.  Sometimes for no reason, other times because it seems like the only way I can feel in control.

Most of the time I don't give in.  Haven't given in.  But the...option, has been more prevalent of late.  Where I am right now, though, means to give in would be a very vital mistake.  It would lead me down a path I cannot go.

Realising this, I caught myself thinking 'I can do it when I'm in a better place.'  But I can't, can I.  This isn't something I can allow myself to turn to at every whim.  Not anymore.

I have hope that there will be a day I won't have any inclination to turn to the blade.  I know this will happen, because I know complete freedom is accessible.  It's not today, and it may not be something that will happen any time soon.  But it will.

For now, I just need to continue to look to Jesus.  To rely on Him for strength.  And wisdom.

Freedom will come with time.