It's another moment in time where the morning is approaching.  I've been awake for hours, wanting to write, but not entirely sure how to go about turning the hurricane of words in my head into proper sentences.  This has been my problem of late: wanting to write, but either having nothing to write about, or struggling with where on earth to begin.

But here is my attempt.

I'm sure I've mentioned before how for some reason, being up so late (early) my guard with my words is down.  I become more open, more honest, more raw.  My thoughts cannot be caged at this time, unlike during the day when I'm able to trap them and ignore their cries to escape by staying busy with work or other things.

You know the saying "be careful what you wish for," right?  Or the more "Christian" version, "be careful what you pray for?"  You pray for patience, but instead of God granting you exactly that, He'll present you with opportunities to exercise patience; and thus by exercising what you lack, you gain exactly what you prayed for.

I haven't prayed for patience, or anything at all, for that matter.  I have, however, been seeking God in an area that I [so very clearly] desperately need changed.  With anything, only so much progress can be made depending on my willingness, and just how much I actually hand over to God to be changed.

I suppose I can say progress has been made.  Well, progress in the sense that I'm more open to being changed.  And have prayed for those who struggle with the issue of not being fully open to love as well.

But then things happen.  Event occur.  Life changes.  And these things make me want to seal up my heart more tightly than ever before, and be done with the whole process.  Who needs love?  Why risk getting hurt so deeply and so often?  It's not worth it.  Not if things like this are going to keep happening over and over and over again.

And I hate every single thing.

Then the emotions and the drama pass.  And I'm able to calm down, to try to think about these things logically.  While I have not been praying for opportunities to be open to love, or to accept that the possibility of being hurt is a part of love and life, I have been seeking change.  Trying to let God have complete control over that area of my life.  And it's kind of the same situation.

Events happen, and instead of building the walls I have already built up to new heights, I need to step back.  Of course these things happen because life happens, and it's a normal part of life.  But instead of hiding in a corner hoping it will all go away, will I do the right thing?  Will I bring my cares, my worries, my insecurities, my wounded heart, my childishness to Jesus and surrender it all to Him?  Will I cast them at His feet, letting it all go, and rest in His peace, knowing that whatever happens I am safe in His presence?

I so desperately wish that my initial reactions to the hard things that life throws at me would be to pick them all up, turn around, and run straight to Jesus.  But I'm afraid that is not what I do.  I pick up each thing, examine it from every angle, try to fix it with thoughts and logic.  I wait until I am completely weary, broken, crushed, wounded, and still try to fix things on my own.  It is only until I have no more strength to fight, when I give up.

But it's only just giving up.  Not giving up and turning to Christ.  Simply "I can't do thing anymore," and I set it all down and ignore it.  I still don't turn to Jesus for help.  And I am saddened that I don't do this.

So here I am.  Awake, and the rest of the world is dreaming.  The birds outside are beginning to wake, singing their morning songs.  It's getting light.  My thoughts are still jumbled, my heart still heavy, the world still feels upside down.

And yet, as always, there is hope.  Because I know what my problems, what my weaknesses, are.  And knowing this means that I know what needs to be fixed.  I know what I lack, and Who to go to for help in the midst of all the chaos.  Now it is only a matter of choosing what to do when the time for help comes.  Will I once again try to fix things on my own, or will I turn to Jesus, who so obviously cares and loves me enough to take my burdens from me?

I sincerely hope that I will do what is best for me.  That surrender will become second nature.  That I'll once again rest in the peace which surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4.7).


"I feel your love that surrounds me 
My world can shake but it won't drown me 
'Cause I'm trusting you 
No matter what I'm going through 

That even when my heart breaks 
And everything's shaken 
I'm left alone in the rain 
You won't, you won't, won't 
You won't let me go 

When life's insane 
And everything's crazy 
You carry me through the pain 
And you won't, you won't, won't 
You won't let me go."

Won't Let Me Go - Addison Road