How many times in life do we face situations that make us question “Are they sure they meant to pick me?” or “Why would he choose me out of all people?” or “Was I really their first choice?”
And even though we have the answer, and even later still when the answer is confirmed, we still don’t quite believe that we were chosen for this part, that this person picked us to love most, that we were the top choice for that job.
But this happens over and over and over again, doesn’t it? Then we hear the positive answer, the confirmation, and as time passes and the evidence stays the same, we finally start to believe the truth that has been in front of us all along.
Isn’t that like our belief and trust in God? Yes, we say we believe that He is our provider, that He is our strength, that He is our healer, because that is what the Bible tells us is true and so that is what we say we believe. The truth, even the evidence, is right there in front of us, yet when times come for us to continue to trust that He is what He says He is, our faith waivers. We don’t quite believe that which we have claimed to believe when it really comes down to acting out on our faith.
Then time continues and the circumstances may get better or worse, but the evidence of His faithfulness is right there. Eventually - in His timing - He proves to us that He indeed is our provider, our strength, our healer. And then we acknowledge “Yes, yes, He is indeed what He has told us He is.”
It is a part of human fallacy to forget these things so easily? To forget the truth so quickly? To be so untrusting that even with the answers confirmed and the evidence right in front of us, that we still don’t believe that we are good enough, we are loved enough, we are skilled enough?!?
Perhaps it is a part of being human that makes us repeat these same, stupid mistakes of unbelief over and over again, but I refuse to believe that we will live our entire lives stuck in this repetitive, endless, idiotic cycle.
I think it all comes down to trust.
We say we trust, we say we believe, but when the time comes for us to actually act out on what we claim, we falter, we waver, we stumble. And that’s not a sin; not in the least.
But what I want to know is this: What can I do to shift my habits, my thoughts, my everyday patterns in order to change and to plant the deepest roots of my faith and my trust in God so that I will not hesitate when life demands of me to trust Him completely and wholly?
Perhaps now is the time to start seeking answers and to begin to trust in Him as much as I claim to.
Wednesday 23 September 2015
Friday 21 August 2015
Can it really be that easy? To pick up your life from a place where you’ve planted roots, and move someplace so far away, so new and foreign, to be on your own and surrounded by things unfamiliar? To face so many changes and be without a safety net, to leave behind things that were bad...and good, too, I suppose.
But people do it all the time. They leave home to go to college. They move across the country to be with their “soul mate.” They move to another country for an opportunity to start new, to start fresh, to discover who they are.
They have the strength, the courage, the tenacity to do these things.
Do I?
I’d like to think so. Because as much as I hate change (change I can’t control), I know it’s good, I know it helps me grow, stretch, be. I know the longer I stay, the more comfortable I’ll become, and the less I’ll want to take risks, to move, to continue with life.
At the same time...
I’m ready. I want to go now, to escape, to run away. To start a new adventure, to continue with my life and my future (whatever that is? I don’t know anymore) and see where God takes me. I have dreams and aspirations and goals, but so much is in the air, so many questions are unanswered...all of them, actually. There is so much I don’t know, nothing is solid, everything is in flux and it feels like hope is dwindling.
That’s where You come in though, right? To guide me, to be my strength, to give me hope. In the midst of sadness, of darkness, You are still there, You are my refuge, You are my comfort. The questions may be endless and I may have no answers for what feels like forever, but You are still there through it all. You are still faithful.
I just need to remember not to try to fix things on my own, as I so often try to do when the great difficulties come along, but to look to You. To recognise that my strength will fail, my courage will leave me, my future is unknown. But Your strength will be made perfect in my weakness, courage will come from knowing who I am in You, and my future will still be unknown, but peace will stay with me, because I know that Your plans will be best.
Perhaps it is time to rest, to slow down, to breathe and take a step back. To not panic, not worry, not force things to happen. Remind me to trust in You, to remember the times (oh, how there are so many!) when you’ve been faithful to me and provided in ways I could never expect. You are the one solid, one constant, one unchanging thing in my life. I should never doubt You and Your goodness (but how often do I do so anyways?).
Heal my heart, heal these wounds, strip me down of my pride and “strength.”
As gold is purified through the flames, help me to rejoice in the midst of hurt and pain and all the unanswered questions.
If I weep, let me weep in knowing that You will be my comfort and my help and my guide.
Let me trust You once again.
But people do it all the time. They leave home to go to college. They move across the country to be with their “soul mate.” They move to another country for an opportunity to start new, to start fresh, to discover who they are.
They have the strength, the courage, the tenacity to do these things.
Do I?
I’d like to think so. Because as much as I hate change (change I can’t control), I know it’s good, I know it helps me grow, stretch, be. I know the longer I stay, the more comfortable I’ll become, and the less I’ll want to take risks, to move, to continue with life.
At the same time...
I’m ready. I want to go now, to escape, to run away. To start a new adventure, to continue with my life and my future (whatever that is? I don’t know anymore) and see where God takes me. I have dreams and aspirations and goals, but so much is in the air, so many questions are unanswered...all of them, actually. There is so much I don’t know, nothing is solid, everything is in flux and it feels like hope is dwindling.
That’s where You come in though, right? To guide me, to be my strength, to give me hope. In the midst of sadness, of darkness, You are still there, You are my refuge, You are my comfort. The questions may be endless and I may have no answers for what feels like forever, but You are still there through it all. You are still faithful.
I just need to remember not to try to fix things on my own, as I so often try to do when the great difficulties come along, but to look to You. To recognise that my strength will fail, my courage will leave me, my future is unknown. But Your strength will be made perfect in my weakness, courage will come from knowing who I am in You, and my future will still be unknown, but peace will stay with me, because I know that Your plans will be best.
Perhaps it is time to rest, to slow down, to breathe and take a step back. To not panic, not worry, not force things to happen. Remind me to trust in You, to remember the times (oh, how there are so many!) when you’ve been faithful to me and provided in ways I could never expect. You are the one solid, one constant, one unchanging thing in my life. I should never doubt You and Your goodness (but how often do I do so anyways?).
Heal my heart, heal these wounds, strip me down of my pride and “strength.”
As gold is purified through the flames, help me to rejoice in the midst of hurt and pain and all the unanswered questions.
If I weep, let me weep in knowing that You will be my comfort and my help and my guide.
Let me trust You once again.
Thursday 9 April 2015
Sometimes life happens, with many situations and events occurring rapidly one right after another, and you're left feeling overwhelmed, the chaos inside your head increasing exponentially, and a concealed insanity seems to settle in.
The past few months have brought a lot of changes in my life - mentally, spiritually, emotionally too, I suppose. Not bad changes, but good ones. I have matured and grown in ways that I needed to (though still have much progress to make) and feel as though I've changed into an entirely different person. Though I can't say if the people around me who know me can voice agreement with that or not.
People have come into my life who have [unknowingly] spurred me into these changes: an active, constant pursuit of Christ and His will for my life, to learn to trust Him completely and surrender every bit and piece of my life to Him; to take charge of the situations I find myself in and get things done, in spite of others around me who don't seem to take initiative or care as much as I do about the situations we're in; to be more physically active and more spontaneous and more adventurous (what, me, adventurous?!?! I know, I know) and explore the outdoors more than I have before.
These changes are good. Whether or not the people who have inspired them will continue to be in my life remains to be seen...but that's okay. People come and go, and as I learned years ago, not everyone can stay present forever. It's hard to accept sometimes, but it happens, and I have learned to be thankful for the time that I was able to spend with people who are no longer present in my life. They have helped be a part of who I have become as a person, and I have learned lessons from my interactions and encounters with them.
But now I find myself here. A rapid succession of events in the time span of three or so days, and my mind feels like it's going to explode (more so than usual) due to the lack of time to process and sort and figure out all of what has happened. I feel lost. I am fighting to breathe. Struggling to not give in to harm myself in some way in order to deal with all the things I am feeling and thinking.
(Struggling so, so, so much.)
God has been faithful to me in the entirety of my life. Especially so these past few months with things I have been learning and growing in and seeking out. The more things take place, the more I found myself running to Christ, reminding myself that above all else, I need to seek Him, keep Him as my focus, desire Him above any one or any thing else.
Then things happen, changes that I'm not in control of occur, and I find myself shaken. Hope is lost, confusion rushes in, a tangle of thoughts and feelings knot up and lodge themselves inside my head. And instead of running to Jesus, I find myself trying to tackle these things on my own.
Am I so feeble to so easily forget the faithfulness of my Creator? Is my confidence not placed in who I am in Christ that it can be shaken loose so easily? Was I really trusting and seeking God as I thought I was, or was that only what I thought I was doing?
Do I not believe that there is hope for all? That Jesus can answer prayers and draw the lost to Him through His goodness and grace and love? That God is a God of His word, and He can heal anybody of anything at any time, because it is His desire to see us healed? Did I place my trust too much in people and not on the Source of all healing? Is what I'm feeling something solid and good, or is it brought about by dwelling on it all too much and letting myself become mentally and emotionally attached?
I know I have a choice. One always has a choice. It may not always be black and white and clear, but there is always a choice to be made. Do I give up, and show those around me that I don't believe what I claim to believe?
Or do I - in the midst of all this chaos and uncertainty and hopelessness - run to Christ and take refuge in Him? To fall on my knees in prayer and seek Him until I get an answer or direction? To push forward and pray and pray and pray despite seeing changes or having opportunities or knowing the outcome of things? To ignore my motivations and thoughts and pursue the right course of how to go about things?
There is too much going on. I am so overwhelmed, so lost. Completely without direction.
I know, though. I know despite what I may be feeling, that God is faithful. That He is my redeemer, He is my provider, He is my saviour, He is my healer. That I cannot follow what I feel, or even what I think, but I can follow His word, His promises, His direction. He is my refuge, He is my strength, He is my hope when it feels as though I have none.
"Be my strong refuge, to which I may resort continually; You have given the commandment to save me, for You are my rock and my fortress."
- Psalm 71.3
The past few months have brought a lot of changes in my life - mentally, spiritually, emotionally too, I suppose. Not bad changes, but good ones. I have matured and grown in ways that I needed to (though still have much progress to make) and feel as though I've changed into an entirely different person. Though I can't say if the people around me who know me can voice agreement with that or not.
People have come into my life who have [unknowingly] spurred me into these changes: an active, constant pursuit of Christ and His will for my life, to learn to trust Him completely and surrender every bit and piece of my life to Him; to take charge of the situations I find myself in and get things done, in spite of others around me who don't seem to take initiative or care as much as I do about the situations we're in; to be more physically active and more spontaneous and more adventurous (what, me, adventurous?!?! I know, I know) and explore the outdoors more than I have before.
These changes are good. Whether or not the people who have inspired them will continue to be in my life remains to be seen...but that's okay. People come and go, and as I learned years ago, not everyone can stay present forever. It's hard to accept sometimes, but it happens, and I have learned to be thankful for the time that I was able to spend with people who are no longer present in my life. They have helped be a part of who I have become as a person, and I have learned lessons from my interactions and encounters with them.
But now I find myself here. A rapid succession of events in the time span of three or so days, and my mind feels like it's going to explode (more so than usual) due to the lack of time to process and sort and figure out all of what has happened. I feel lost. I am fighting to breathe. Struggling to not give in to harm myself in some way in order to deal with all the things I am feeling and thinking.
(Struggling so, so, so much.)
God has been faithful to me in the entirety of my life. Especially so these past few months with things I have been learning and growing in and seeking out. The more things take place, the more I found myself running to Christ, reminding myself that above all else, I need to seek Him, keep Him as my focus, desire Him above any one or any thing else.
Then things happen, changes that I'm not in control of occur, and I find myself shaken. Hope is lost, confusion rushes in, a tangle of thoughts and feelings knot up and lodge themselves inside my head. And instead of running to Jesus, I find myself trying to tackle these things on my own.
Am I so feeble to so easily forget the faithfulness of my Creator? Is my confidence not placed in who I am in Christ that it can be shaken loose so easily? Was I really trusting and seeking God as I thought I was, or was that only what I thought I was doing?
Do I not believe that there is hope for all? That Jesus can answer prayers and draw the lost to Him through His goodness and grace and love? That God is a God of His word, and He can heal anybody of anything at any time, because it is His desire to see us healed? Did I place my trust too much in people and not on the Source of all healing? Is what I'm feeling something solid and good, or is it brought about by dwelling on it all too much and letting myself become mentally and emotionally attached?
I know I have a choice. One always has a choice. It may not always be black and white and clear, but there is always a choice to be made. Do I give up, and show those around me that I don't believe what I claim to believe?
Or do I - in the midst of all this chaos and uncertainty and hopelessness - run to Christ and take refuge in Him? To fall on my knees in prayer and seek Him until I get an answer or direction? To push forward and pray and pray and pray despite seeing changes or having opportunities or knowing the outcome of things? To ignore my motivations and thoughts and pursue the right course of how to go about things?
There is too much going on. I am so overwhelmed, so lost. Completely without direction.
I know, though. I know despite what I may be feeling, that God is faithful. That He is my redeemer, He is my provider, He is my saviour, He is my healer. That I cannot follow what I feel, or even what I think, but I can follow His word, His promises, His direction. He is my refuge, He is my strength, He is my hope when it feels as though I have none.
"Be my strong refuge, to which I may resort continually; You have given the commandment to save me, for You are my rock and my fortress."
- Psalm 71.3
Monday 9 February 2015
Learning to Trust
This past week has been different. Not difficult, not hard, not complicated, not anything that I would put under the label of "struggle." Just...different.
Sometimes things happen in life and they become bigger than you expect. You find yourself mentally or emotionally attached to someone or something. You find yourself in this vicious cycle of thinking about the topic more and more, then trying not to think about it, etc. etc. etc. You discover that you feel weary, tired, exhausted, restless, unsure. None of which are very fun to experience.
And then you talk things out with a close friend who knows you well enough to shed some light on you in the midst of the confusion of the situation going on in your head. They give you perspective, answer the questions you ponder out loud; all of which helps you to focus on what should be done next. You pray together, you part ways, and you still receive encouragement from them during the week, because that's the kind of friend they are.
And that's what has been happening/has happened. Last Monday was hard, disorienting, complicated. But through the words and perspective of a good friend, I found what I needed to do this past week. Surrender and trust.
Surrender.
And trust.
And so that became my focus. Looking to Jesus every day. Spending time with Him in prayer, learning to actually listen to the direction and guidance of the Holy Spirit (a still-current learning process), surrendering things to Him (all things), trusting in His timing, and learning how to wait.
Because not every answer is a solid yes or no. Sometimes it is simply wait. And for someone who has such a black and white perspective on life, I forget that sometimes, in some areas, there is an in-between ground, and waiting is on that ground. I think that I'm a pretty patient person, and while this current situation is confirming that I am one, it's a different kind of patience that I'm learning to exercise.
I have gotten up early almost every morning this last week to get ready for work, and then with a cup of tea in hand, I have my quiet time before beginning my day, starting it out right by reading the Bible.
I have spent so much time in the Psalms. I know a lot of people say how David knew how it was, he knew what it meant to struggle, and still carried on, still pushed forward, still pursued God no matter what. I have had friends tell me how encouraging they find the Psalms, and how David just got it. And while I have enjoyed reading Psalms over the years, this past week I found so much encouragement in them. In the ones I found myself reading, there was these constant reminders to trust God. Over and over and over. Speaking to me, reminding me, to trust.
Trust.
Trust.
Trust.
While I believe that we can get to a point in our lives where we trust God in every area and aspect of life, I also believe that it is a constant, continual life-process. We trust Him, but we must continue to trust, continue to surrender, continue to remind ourselves that these things are worth doing, worth living out. Trust and surrender go hand-in-hand.
Let me share some of the verses which served as good reminders to me:
"But let all those rejoice who put their trust in you; let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; let those also who love Your name be joyful in You. For You, O Lord, will bless the righteous; with favour You will surround him as with a shield." Psalm 5.11-12
"Show me Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation, on You I wait all the day." Psalm 25.4-5
"I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears... The Lord redeems the soul of His servants, and none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned." Psalm 34.4, 22
"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." Psalm 37.4-5
"Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." Psalm 62.8
"Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust." Psalm 143.8
"The Lord is righteous in all His ways, gracious in all His works. The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them." Psalm 143.17-19
I am not even remotely close to completing this current lesson of learning to trust and remembering to surrender. It is still happening, and will continue to happen for some time, I think. But it's good. It's good and it's necessary and I am grateful that it is happening. It is a perfect opportunity to grow spiritually, and to grow in my relationship with Jesus.
Which, really, is all that I desire.
Sometimes things happen in life and they become bigger than you expect. You find yourself mentally or emotionally attached to someone or something. You find yourself in this vicious cycle of thinking about the topic more and more, then trying not to think about it, etc. etc. etc. You discover that you feel weary, tired, exhausted, restless, unsure. None of which are very fun to experience.
And then you talk things out with a close friend who knows you well enough to shed some light on you in the midst of the confusion of the situation going on in your head. They give you perspective, answer the questions you ponder out loud; all of which helps you to focus on what should be done next. You pray together, you part ways, and you still receive encouragement from them during the week, because that's the kind of friend they are.
And that's what has been happening/has happened. Last Monday was hard, disorienting, complicated. But through the words and perspective of a good friend, I found what I needed to do this past week. Surrender and trust.
Surrender.
And trust.
And so that became my focus. Looking to Jesus every day. Spending time with Him in prayer, learning to actually listen to the direction and guidance of the Holy Spirit (a still-current learning process), surrendering things to Him (all things), trusting in His timing, and learning how to wait.
Because not every answer is a solid yes or no. Sometimes it is simply wait. And for someone who has such a black and white perspective on life, I forget that sometimes, in some areas, there is an in-between ground, and waiting is on that ground. I think that I'm a pretty patient person, and while this current situation is confirming that I am one, it's a different kind of patience that I'm learning to exercise.
I have gotten up early almost every morning this last week to get ready for work, and then with a cup of tea in hand, I have my quiet time before beginning my day, starting it out right by reading the Bible.
I have spent so much time in the Psalms. I know a lot of people say how David knew how it was, he knew what it meant to struggle, and still carried on, still pushed forward, still pursued God no matter what. I have had friends tell me how encouraging they find the Psalms, and how David just got it. And while I have enjoyed reading Psalms over the years, this past week I found so much encouragement in them. In the ones I found myself reading, there was these constant reminders to trust God. Over and over and over. Speaking to me, reminding me, to trust.
Trust.
Trust.
Trust.
While I believe that we can get to a point in our lives where we trust God in every area and aspect of life, I also believe that it is a constant, continual life-process. We trust Him, but we must continue to trust, continue to surrender, continue to remind ourselves that these things are worth doing, worth living out. Trust and surrender go hand-in-hand.
Let me share some of the verses which served as good reminders to me:
"But let all those rejoice who put their trust in you; let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; let those also who love Your name be joyful in You. For You, O Lord, will bless the righteous; with favour You will surround him as with a shield." Psalm 5.11-12
"Show me Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation, on You I wait all the day." Psalm 25.4-5
"I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears... The Lord redeems the soul of His servants, and none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned." Psalm 34.4, 22
"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." Psalm 37.4-5
"Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." Psalm 62.8
"Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust." Psalm 143.8
"The Lord is righteous in all His ways, gracious in all His works. The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them." Psalm 143.17-19
I am not even remotely close to completing this current lesson of learning to trust and remembering to surrender. It is still happening, and will continue to happen for some time, I think. But it's good. It's good and it's necessary and I am grateful that it is happening. It is a perfect opportunity to grow spiritually, and to grow in my relationship with Jesus.
Which, really, is all that I desire.
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