I could start this post out with the statement that I know exactly what I want to say and I have a point and that your time reading this will not be wasted.

But that would, in fact, be a lie.

What is not a lie, however, is the fact that I know I want to write.
Write what? I have no clue.  But I want to write.  I want to get this ache and longing that pierces me deep inside to flow from the cavity within my chest and into my fingertips, out on the keyboard, and onto my computer screen.  I want to make sense with my words, even if I can't make sense of my thoughts.  I want to have clarity.

Whatever the fuck that is.

I can tell you things I know.

I know that I have moved.
I know that moving has helped me not think about you as much.
I know that moving has also helped me think way too much about other things.
I know that I feel unproductive, and that feeling this way pushes me deeper into sadness.

I know that my concept of love is jaded and skewed and I probably don't actually love anybody anymore, which is why I avoid saying the phrase "I love you" to anyone these days.
I know that the stress and worry of not having an income, not having health insurance to be able to start figuring out what's wrong with my body, has gotten to the point where depression is starting to get near-crippling.

I can tell you that today I thought about not wanting to be alive anymore a little too much.

What else?

Ah.
My addictive personality.
And how I tend to cling to things or people or ideals and become obsessive of things.
Like how every day I think about alcohol, and when I can sneak in a drink.  How I wish 6 drinks affected me more than they do.  How it feels good to feel numb and to shut off my brain and to go to bed intoxicated because I can basically fall asleep right away instead of tossing and turning and begging for sleep to come.

How you can meet someone who for once is more goddamn intelligent than you, but for several significant reasons you know it's not going to work out in the long run.  And how that really sucks because you like them a decent amount.  And you know you should just be honest and cut things off now, but you don't want to because you want to see where things will go.  If things will change.  Or, if anything, you will have someone to hold you the next time you see them because they care to some degree.

(And yet there's still that nagging feeling in the back of my head that tells me this can only end badly if I don't end it sooner rather than later.)


Funny how life can end up to be such a shit show in such a short amount of time.


I am tired of not knowing who I am anymore.
I am tired of not being able to say no to people when it comes to things I want.
I am tired of having an irrational fear - and the anxiety that comes with it - of not being able to speak up for fear of offending or angering an individual.

Who the fuck even cares what other people who are insignificant to me think about me?

I shouldn't.


I don't set goals for the new year.
I find it to be pointless and completely useless as everyone who actually sits down on the New Year's holiday ends up failing to follow through with the goals they end up setting.
However.
I do like to set up personal challenges for myself.
(What can I say?  I'm a competitive person.)

I'm going to state these things here and pretend like anyone reading this isn't actually seeing them, because I know that for myself in the past, when I have stated things I want to do before actually setting them in motion, I end up not following through.
So let's all pretend I'm the only one who knows about these goals.

I want to learn to say no to people.
I want to get over the fear I have of speaking up and actually put myself first for the wants and needs I have, because, at the end of the day, I'm the one I'm stuck taking care of.
I want to go to counselling and learn to a) process emotions in general, and b) process them in a healthy manner.
I want to get my fucking body figured out.
I want...well, other stuff probably.

To not feel so dead on the inside.
Maybe to feel intoxicated all the time (I'd say just kidding, but...).

I am such a mess.
And I can't even ask how I got here, because I know the exact moment in time when I first made a choice that has brought me to where I am now.
And I was fully consciously aware of that decision.
As I am with every decision I make.

I am not a fool.

I am fucking brilliant.

Now if only I can put my brilliance to use and find myself a damn job...