Shut down.

That is where I'm at right now.

Barely able to function.

And honestly only able to do so because my strong tendencies towards loyalty and responsibilities are what force me to actually get up in the morning.

If I were left to my own devices and only had myself to care for, getting out of bed wouldn't even be an option.

I am...

weary.

exhausted.

broken.

and possibly even defeated.

Any fight that was left in me was taken a long time ago.

I would say probably about 95% of the time, I can manage the sadness (read: depression).

Tricks and noises and diversions that distract me from getting too lost within the darkness.

But sometimes...sometimes those tricks aren't enough.

Or some trigger gets switched and the effectiveness of those tricks is rendered useless.

And so I begin to drown.

And rather than fight and thrash and scream out for help, I let myself sink.

Because I don't have the energy to care.

And I cannot drag people down with me.

So what happens during that 5% of time when the sadness engulfs my entire existence and I'm unable to manage it?

I shut down.

I stop being able to function.

I become completely numb, and lean towards cruelty.

My misery becomes a poison.

I am a disease with which I don't want my friends to become infected.

I'm stubborn.

Anyone who knows me knows that.

They probably also know my strong inclinations towards independence and how I basically never ask for help.

Ever.

Why?

Not because I think asking for help is weak.

But because someday I will need help and will be completely alone.

And I will have only myself to depend upon to figure things out.

I don't want to be dependent upon others when I can get things done on my own.

I guess that's where the problems start, though.

Because when that sadness begins to stifle, I cut off all possible airways for oxygen.

I avoid friends.

I stop as much communication as I possibly can.

I welcome the suffocating silence.

I do not want to be the person that brings others down.

Maybe being completely alone and isolated isn't the best.

And turning to both old and new habits to cope with the sadness isn't the healthiest.

But if I can contain this darkness until it is under control again, I'd rather let myself suffer than harm others along the way.

Especially people I care about.

And maybe I should tell people what's going on.

Or at least that I'll be AWOL for a while.

But that will elicit responses I don't want to hear.

It's best to drown on my own.

Besides.

My track record thus far has proven my ability to breathe underwater.

So far, I have survived.

(Maybe...somewhere...there is still some fight left.)