Internal Love Affairs

...Or lack thereof, I should say.

If you want to meet someone who is completely devoid of affection and lacks the ability to truly love people, congratulations.
You've just met her.

Turns out, when you don't have a job and you can't distract yourself with hard-core busy-work or constant noise, your brain tends to go even MORE on overdrive than it already is.  If that's even possible.  (It is.)

I think I've been aware of this problem for a while.
But I also acknowledge that up until this evening, it's severity was unknown to me.

I.  Don't.  Love.  You.

Or you.  Or him.  Or her.
Or anyone.

It's not for lack of trying.

...or is it?

It probably is.
But not in the common understanding of that phrase.

I have spent so much time on building a rough exterior (though, damn it, I'm still nice and friendly on the outside due to fucking common courtesy) - and an even more solidly built defense on the inside - that I now find myself incapable to feel true affection and love for those around me.

Well.
Maybe affection is still something I can draw up.

But love?
Absolutely not.

I find myself responding with non-committal grunts or noises to people who tell me "I love you;" whether that's family members or friends.  It's kind of all the same.  You love me?  Got it.  Do I love you?  Um...

No.
Not because I don't want to.
But because I can't.

For anyone who knows me well, you know how I am with words.
I'm weird with them.
My definitions of some things are specific to my own mental interpretations and how I perceive the world.
But I also know what power they hold, and tend to use them more scarcely rather than in overabundance.

(How I DESPISE people who fucking prattle on for FOREVER.)

So here is the thing.
Well, two things, actually.

1. In the severe changes that I have found myself undergoing from the hell of the past couple of years, I am currently more apt to be less truthful, meaningful, intent, and sincere with my words.  This is a huge fucking deal.
Me.  Of all people.  Who avoids sarcasm towards others because of the potential harm it could cause them.  Who makes fun of herself rather than others because I know I'm joking and I can handle poking fun at myself.
I say things that I don't 100% mean or support.  And, of course, feel a twinge of guilt.  Because it's technically a lie.  I just said something to you that I didn't completely mean, and that's inexcusable.

2. I don't know what true love feels like; and therefore, cannot give what I have not experienced to others.
So I refrain and stay as far away from that word as I can.

Let me explain.

I'm not talking about the "twu wuv" crap that is shown (and very poorly portrayed) in movies like The Princess Bride or any other romantically inclined films.

I'm talking about the Genuine, Unconditional, Sacrificial Love that was portrayed as an example of Christ dying on the cross.

(What?!?  Aimee, you fucking hypocrite.  You, who have clearly stated that you don't know where you are with God right now, are talking about something you aren't currently living out???  Screw this.  I'm out.)
(Yup, I don't blame you.  I wouldn't listen to me either, personally.  But just because I'm a shit person right now doesn't discount my knowledge of what I have lived my entire life believing.)

I have said before - and I'm going to say it again now - that Love is the most powerful force in this world.
It is Love that conquered death.
It is Love that forgives the unforgivable.
It's unconditional, sacrificial, steadfast, unchanging.

Everything that I am not.
Everything that I cannot be.

But, despite my slipping on being sincere and genuine in all that I speak, I am not so foolish as to say something so cavalier and...false...as "I love you," when I do, in fact, not mean it.

Hence my non-committal, non-verbal responses.

Don't get me wrong.
To the best of my ability and effort of trying, I will say the occasional "I love you" to a friend and mean it as much as I possibly can in my limited knowledge of the subject and/or emotion.
But it is still a big problem for me.

If I have never known (that is to say, for an extended and elongated period of time) what it feels like to reassuringly and confidently know - without a doubt - that I am fully, 100%, completely and totally loved, how can I pass that on to others?
Do I toss out those words like free candy on parade day, because that's what everyone does these days anyway?
No.
I cannot betray myself or my standards in such a wanton manner.

I know this is a problem.
It has been for many years.
The fear of getting hurt has been stronger than the fear of taking the risk to love those around me.

And of course I know that needs to change.
Theoretically, I want it to change.
In practical application, however, that remains a huge obstacle.

I have lost hope for so many things.
So I cannot say that I hope to someday change this.
That I hope to someday actively, passionately, and sincerely live out the love I have for people in my life through not only my words, but through definitive actions as well.

Hope has long been absent in my life, so I cannot say those things.
Regardless...there is slight longing for them to someday come true.
Perhaps when everything has cleared up, when the sun finally shines again, when the future presents itself as present, when there are more answers than questions.
Perhaps that is when I'll be able to finally love others.
Love them.
Love you.

(And allow myself to be loved as well.)