I can't begin to recount the number of times I've questioned what the hell is wrong with me.

And this moment is no exception.

Life progresses, life changes, life hurts and heals and stabs and recoups.

Good things happen. You leave the bad and somehow good manages to find its way into your life. And you question what on earth did you do to have your life suddenly turn around and look bright again? To make the shadows and the bleakness dim because of the promise of a future?

But then moments of struggle - as always - happen. And while the fight in your was never really fully squelched, it still occasionally feels like it was. And your instinct is to give up. Because how is any pain worth struggling through and fighting and screaming and ripping and clawing your way to the surface to breathe so you can speak as you gasp for air?

...I don't know where I'm headed with this.

Other than to say, for every moment of miscommunication, of failure, of mistakes and misspoken words and poorly thought out actions...I can't help but wonder what is wrong with me.

If I'm just a defect of a human, intent on destroying all good things that come to me because I am so used to misery and sadness that anything out of that norm feels almost like a sin.

If maybe I *do* push the people I love away because I'm scared of getting hurt, of being left behind and hey, man, if I keep you at an arms distance, the pain won't hurt as much as it could.

How every thing I'm involved in ends up hurting or wounding you, how I feel like so often I turn the tables on you and taking away attention from the current issues by showing emotions that honestly don't really matter and making the focus go on me.

Fuck.

My brain is too tired to write and I am so emotionally exhausted and I high-key want to die because I'm tired of failing and being selfish and not being good enough because of all my unintentional mistakes and all the ways I hurt you.

But whatever. It's late and I don't have time to cry or process or anything.

I'm sure I'll be less dramatic tomorrow.