There is a reason I never wanted to be in love.

Well.

Multiple reasons.

Loving so deeply you'll be hurt deeply?

Nah.

No thanks, bro.

I've had enough hurt to last me a lifetime; why would I subject myself willingly to that?

As. If.

Joke's on you, kid.

Years after swearing off love and marriage and being soft, you are the exact opposite of that now.

You fucking fool.

It is amazing how loving so deeply, can mean hurting just as deeply.

It is fascinating that someone could have such power and influence over me, that in the morning I wake up with actual energy to go out and do things I want to do, but a few words of harshness are exchanged and one leaves feeling sad and disappointed, all the wind is sucked out of my sails and the only thing I want to do for the rest of the day...is sleep.

How do you have such an influence over me?

How can your words do such damage? Or bring such life?

How can your wandering eyes and not-thought-out comments on the bodies of other girls hurt so much?

How can your mistrust and blurted out thoughts of me being with, or liking another male, cut deeper and deeper every time you say something like that?

Words can mend and heal and bring life.

Or they can wound and destroy and ultimately bring death.

There is no in between.

I have wanted to give up, to flee, to die. Because things get so difficult and there is so much hurt, I don't know if I can take it.

But I haven't made those choices.

I have fought, I have stayed, I have lived.

Because as much as it doesn't feel like it, I know this is worth it.

We are worth it.

You are worth it.

And I choose you.

I want to shut down.

I want to go the easy way.

The way of not being open, or vulnerable, or soft.

I want to close up shop, I want to rebuild the walls I spend half my life building up, I want to get back my rock-hard skin to where nothing anyone says (especially you) affects me.

But I know that is not the way.

And if it is, I need to be that way on my own.

Because being that way would not be fair to you.

You deserve better.

So I am searching and clawing to find hope. That we will get better. To trust again. To expect and hope and not get disappointed or crushed.

Tell me that this is worth it.

Tell me that not giving up is the right thing to do.

Because I am lost.

And without hope.

And my heart hurts.

(I am tired.)

     The demons are extra loud and the sharpness of a blade doesn't bite like it used to, and so I resort back to what is most familiar: words.

     Deep inside of me, perhaps, there is hope that if I write and write and write, that maybe if I use enough words, I'll find the right ones, the right combination that will adequately explain how I feel.

     So where do I even begin?

     Why does such deep sadness produce a brain on overload, the inability to sleep due to restlessness, and a heart that is slowly falling apart over time?

     I have wracked my brain.
     I have run plays over in my head trying to find answers.
     I have reflected and examined and observed myself trying to figure out my failings.

     I have theories, I have conjectures, I have possibilities.

   
     I am not perfect.

     I am human.
     I am flawed.
     I make mistakes.

     I try to be fair, honest, honourable.  I try to admit when I'm wrong (and change accordingly), to be open to new things, to trust people (until they prove to me they can't be trusted).

     Perhaps I am not meant for this.

     Am I too selfish?
     (Yes.)
     Am I too much of an individual?
     (Yes.)
     Am I incapable of love?
     ...
     Yes.

     It is beyond unfair to commit to someone when you yourself are broken and unmended.  When you know you have issues that need to be fixed.  When you know that it would be better to be alone so things won't be as complicated.  That you won't wound anyone else you care about.

     And it is completely unfair to be with someone when you know you can't accept love, and when you most certainly can't love them to the extent that they deserve.

     Because then you're left with less than a whole between two people; since you yourself do not make a complete half.

     And how is life fair if you do not know how to let love in?


     You cannot convince a person to change how she sees herself overnight.

     It is a process that takes both time...and patience.
     Slowly, here and there, you water them with reminders of how you see them.
     You allow them to bask in the light of your love and affection.
     And just like a fruit tree that takes years to grow and then eventually bear fruit, so it goes for that person as well.
     With words of life and affirmation, with patience and love, they will grow and blossom and learn to see themselves as you see them.

     But like all good things, it will take a lot of time and patience and understanding.

     Years worth.

     And you have to make the choice if it is worth it.
     If it is worth all that time and effort.


     Everything in life comes down to a choice.

     You can choose to fight or to give up.
     You can choose to get angry or to control your anger.
     You can choose to shut down or to remain open and vulnerable.

     Everything is a choice.
     Everything.


     I lost track of where I was going...


     I think I know where the solution lies.
     But the problem is, is that I flat-out don't want to do it.
     There is hurt and anger and resentment that needs to be worked out before I would even want to want to pursue a relationship with God again.

     ...

     Even though I know that doing so would help...everything.

     It would take away my selfish nature.  It would help my mental health.  It would help me get back to living a pure and upright life.

     And it would probably help me learn to love.


     So this boils down to a choice, too.

     Do I continue to live as I have: selfishly and ungiving and incapable of love?
     Or do I choose to pursue God to make things right again, all the while risking the fact that it will significantly change me and may cause those who love me now to stop loving me once I've changed?


     This is one of those instances in my life where I am profoundly aware that this choice I am faced with will change the entirety of my future.

     So.

     What is it going to be?

Another New Year

2017 was a year of a lot of change. A lot of firsts. My first relationship (of sorts - he wasn't committed at all). My first time moving away from home in a permanent way. My first time living on my own. My first boyfriend.

It was filled with so much good and bad. The past five years have been so up and down and more bad and sadness than good. They have been rough and filled with pain and heartache and more questions than answers and a general sense of confusion instead of clarity.

I had no idea what 2017 would hold for me. I thought it started off well enough, but it ended up being more of a struggle than I expected. Not being good enough for someone, not being over another person, being incredibly homesick and without a job, experiencing debilitating depression, having no clue what I was doing...I felt at a complete loss for the first half of the year.

But I was, at least, out of a toxic environment. And away from people I needed to forget. I started going to counselling. I started taking anti-depressants. I began to heal; and my mental health began to improve.

And then things picked up. I had steady work (even if it was two jobs and I was killing myself with not enough sleep). I was able to start writing and feel inspired again. I even found a boy who barely knew me, yet was so protective of me and my well-being, it felt too good to be true.

And now 2018 is here.

A new year.

That started out with a kiss from the man I love.

And I expect things to only go up from here.

I still have no idea what I'm doing. But I have a more steady life routine. I live on my own and I am proving to myself that I can take care of myself like a real life adult.

I have adventures planned that involve doing something I love. I have someone who loves to travel and adventure as much as I do - so who knows what unexpected journeys will come our way. I'm dreaming of a future with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

So who knows what this year will bring. What it has in store. Is it scary, not knowing? Always. But is it just as exciting to discover life as it unfolds along the way? Indubitably. And to know that I have people in my life who love and care about me, and are there to support me and offer wisdom when I need it, helps even more. Especially when one of those people loves me for being me...flaws and all.

Here's to you, 2018.

Let's see what you've got.