The demons are extra loud and the sharpness of a blade doesn't bite like it used to, and so I resort back to what is most familiar: words.

     Deep inside of me, perhaps, there is hope that if I write and write and write, that maybe if I use enough words, I'll find the right ones, the right combination that will adequately explain how I feel.

     So where do I even begin?

     Why does such deep sadness produce a brain on overload, the inability to sleep due to restlessness, and a heart that is slowly falling apart over time?

     I have wracked my brain.
     I have run plays over in my head trying to find answers.
     I have reflected and examined and observed myself trying to figure out my failings.

     I have theories, I have conjectures, I have possibilities.

   
     I am not perfect.

     I am human.
     I am flawed.
     I make mistakes.

     I try to be fair, honest, honourable.  I try to admit when I'm wrong (and change accordingly), to be open to new things, to trust people (until they prove to me they can't be trusted).

     Perhaps I am not meant for this.

     Am I too selfish?
     (Yes.)
     Am I too much of an individual?
     (Yes.)
     Am I incapable of love?
     ...
     Yes.

     It is beyond unfair to commit to someone when you yourself are broken and unmended.  When you know you have issues that need to be fixed.  When you know that it would be better to be alone so things won't be as complicated.  That you won't wound anyone else you care about.

     And it is completely unfair to be with someone when you know you can't accept love, and when you most certainly can't love them to the extent that they deserve.

     Because then you're left with less than a whole between two people; since you yourself do not make a complete half.

     And how is life fair if you do not know how to let love in?


     You cannot convince a person to change how she sees herself overnight.

     It is a process that takes both time...and patience.
     Slowly, here and there, you water them with reminders of how you see them.
     You allow them to bask in the light of your love and affection.
     And just like a fruit tree that takes years to grow and then eventually bear fruit, so it goes for that person as well.
     With words of life and affirmation, with patience and love, they will grow and blossom and learn to see themselves as you see them.

     But like all good things, it will take a lot of time and patience and understanding.

     Years worth.

     And you have to make the choice if it is worth it.
     If it is worth all that time and effort.


     Everything in life comes down to a choice.

     You can choose to fight or to give up.
     You can choose to get angry or to control your anger.
     You can choose to shut down or to remain open and vulnerable.

     Everything is a choice.
     Everything.


     I lost track of where I was going...


     I think I know where the solution lies.
     But the problem is, is that I flat-out don't want to do it.
     There is hurt and anger and resentment that needs to be worked out before I would even want to want to pursue a relationship with God again.

     ...

     Even though I know that doing so would help...everything.

     It would take away my selfish nature.  It would help my mental health.  It would help me get back to living a pure and upright life.

     And it would probably help me learn to love.


     So this boils down to a choice, too.

     Do I continue to live as I have: selfishly and ungiving and incapable of love?
     Or do I choose to pursue God to make things right again, all the while risking the fact that it will significantly change me and may cause those who love me now to stop loving me once I've changed?


     This is one of those instances in my life where I am profoundly aware that this choice I am faced with will change the entirety of my future.

     So.

     What is it going to be?