There is a reason I never wanted to be in love.

Well.

Multiple reasons.

Loving so deeply you'll be hurt deeply?

Nah.

No thanks, bro.

I've had enough hurt to last me a lifetime; why would I subject myself willingly to that?

As. If.

Joke's on you, kid.

Years after swearing off love and marriage and being soft, you are the exact opposite of that now.

You fucking fool.

It is amazing how loving so deeply, can mean hurting just as deeply.

It is fascinating that someone could have such power and influence over me, that in the morning I wake up with actual energy to go out and do things I want to do, but a few words of harshness are exchanged and one leaves feeling sad and disappointed, all the wind is sucked out of my sails and the only thing I want to do for the rest of the day...is sleep.

How do you have such an influence over me?

How can your words do such damage? Or bring such life?

How can your wandering eyes and not-thought-out comments on the bodies of other girls hurt so much?

How can your mistrust and blurted out thoughts of me being with, or liking another male, cut deeper and deeper every time you say something like that?

Words can mend and heal and bring life.

Or they can wound and destroy and ultimately bring death.

There is no in between.

I have wanted to give up, to flee, to die. Because things get so difficult and there is so much hurt, I don't know if I can take it.

But I haven't made those choices.

I have fought, I have stayed, I have lived.

Because as much as it doesn't feel like it, I know this is worth it.

We are worth it.

You are worth it.

And I choose you.

I want to shut down.

I want to go the easy way.

The way of not being open, or vulnerable, or soft.

I want to close up shop, I want to rebuild the walls I spend half my life building up, I want to get back my rock-hard skin to where nothing anyone says (especially you) affects me.

But I know that is not the way.

And if it is, I need to be that way on my own.

Because being that way would not be fair to you.

You deserve better.

So I am searching and clawing to find hope. That we will get better. To trust again. To expect and hope and not get disappointed or crushed.

Tell me that this is worth it.

Tell me that not giving up is the right thing to do.

Because I am lost.

And without hope.

And my heart hurts.

(I am tired.)