How did I end up here?

Falling back on something I once overcame?

After years of struggling, to recovery, and now back to the same old habit?

I guess when you're addicted, you're addicted.
And that's the end of that.

...right?

People talk about how it's good to feel things, how it's good to have emotions...hell, even how it's good to feel things deeply.

But what happens if you feel things (everything) deeply, but are unable to handle how you feel?

You find coping mechanisms.

Sometimes healthy.

Sometimes not.

Usually not, in my case.

And the funny thing is, is you think you have it under control.
You think you can just resort to it during the really bad times, but handle the easy stuff on your own.
But then even the "easy" stuff becomes something you can't handle anymore.
And it ends up controlling you.

And you trick yourself into thinking you can stop at any time you choose.
And maybe you can.
If nothing was within your reach to use.
But the inability to find that release would drive you near insanity.
So you keep it quiet and "under control."

And there you are.
In pain.
Hurting.
Alive, but dead.

And it eats you.
Alive.
And you hear its call every second of every day and you want to run to it as soon as you get home behind closed doors.

Just one more time.
I just need to feel something.
How else am I supposed to express what I feel inside?

Again.
Again.
Again.

Slice. Slice. Slice.

A temporary release.
For control.
For pain.
For life.

Emotions may be good, but they drive you mad.
They drive you sad.

And you feel and you don't and you wonder if there's an escape.

(But you also hope there's not.)