I am struggling, straining, grasping.
For straws, for air, for hope.

I think I have learned that hopelessness is far more painul than heartbreak.

Or perhaps I knew that in my head before...but not by experience.

Hope is what pushes us.
It is what keeps us moving.
And those who are completely depleted of hope?
They end their lives.

Heartbreak is terrible.
You feel sick, you can't eat, you can't sleep.
But eventually dawn breaks, and hope is still there.
The hope of knowing that love like that exists out there, and that if you found it once, perhaps you will find it again.

But hope?
Once hope is gone - once it is truly extinguished - you are gone as well.


I have been struggling with hope for so long.
Clawing, digging, scratching to find it.
To cling to what little I had.
To strain my eyes towards that pinprick of light in the distance, knowing that hope exists, but barely being able to see it.

There is hope.
There is always hope.

But my God, how hard it is to see sometimes.

Any hope I may have, I bury deep inside.
Because as much as I long to cradle it, to nurture it...I am terrified of losing it.
Because it has been slipping out of my grasp for so long.
And I cannot bear to continue to lose it.

So here I am.
Struggling to not give in.
To not hold my breath to wait and see what happens.
Because if things do not pan out, if the requirements are not met...

All hope is lost.
And my heart will be shattered again.
(And I am sure I will not be able to recover this time.)


Please, oh please, let truth be sought after and the power of Love be evident.
Help me get back to where I used to be.
Where life had meaning and fear was not prevalent and the unknown was exciting because I had trust in the hand of Who was in control.
And peace ruled instead of chaos.

To get back to that place.
To who I was.
Someone who found energy from a source when I was dry, because the well-being of others and giving time and love to them was infinitely more important than my own self.
Selfless and more concerned with building those around me up, rather than focusing on my selfish needs and desires.
Working harder and caring more and living life to the fullest despite the sadness.

I cannot ask what happened between then and now because I know.
But I can only hope that one day I will return to that.
Not so much for my benefit.
But for the benefit of those in my life whom I love.

Someday.
Someday.

...