People find God's love to be the easiest thing to accept about Him.
That Jesus sacrificed Himself on the cross for our sins out of His love for us.
So that while we were still sinners, He died for us.
Out of love.

Love.

I know that Love is the most powerful force on earth.
I know that without a doubt.
Yet still...
God's love has  probably been THE most difficult thing for me to accept...and live with the knowledge of that in my heart.

Sometimes I feel isolated from the world.

Everyone is over there, living their lives, knowing, understanding, and [easily] accepting that they are loved; and loving in return.  And I'm over here by myself, knowing that love is a thing, knowing that it is the most powerful thing to exist (it did, after all, conquer death), but unable to grasp such an abstract concept.

In my head, I know that God loves me.
In my head, I know that my family, my friends, my boyfriend - they all love me.
In my head, I know that I love them.

But head knowledge is nothing if the truth of that knowledge doesn't seep into your heart and plant itself deeply, causing your whole life and perspective to change based off of the heart knowledge of that truth.

I can't really ever recall a time in my life when I knew with my heart that I was loved; and that the truth of that changed how I lived my life.
Except maybe once, for a few months, when I was nineteen.
But that time has come and gone, due to my own self-destruction.

What is it?
Is it just that love is clumped with all the other emotions I can't process or understand?
Is it that I am so fearful of being hurt so deeply that I can't recover, and so I block myself from being able to accept love?
Or is it the fact that I feel like I have to earn every single thing that comes my way, and so then love - of course - must be earned as well.

But how can love be earned?
And if that is the only kind of love I allow myself to take, than what kind of love am I giving those around me, if not love that they must earn as well?

That is not at all the way to live.

How do I change it though?
How do I understand love?
Love without condition?
Agape - God's kind of love.  Unconditional.

It is a foreign concept to me.
I think my personality plays a huge part into this.
Things must be earned, they cannot be taken without proving oneself to be worthy of them.

But that goes completely against what love really is.
And completely cheapens the price that Christ paid on the cross.

I don't know where I'm going with this.

I guess I am still trying to understand and process why I cannot just take and believe people when they tell me they love me.
Much less believe - truly believe - that the Creator of the universe loves me, simply for who I am.
Flaws, mistakes, imperfections, purposeful rebellious decisions, and all.

Who knows.
Maybe (hopefully) one day I'll figure it out.
Because God knows I want to.

Not for my sake, but for the sake of those in my life who are important to me.