People find God's love to be the easiest thing to accept about Him.
That Jesus sacrificed Himself on the cross for our sins out of His love for us.
So that while we were still sinners, He died for us.
Out of love.

Love.

I know that Love is the most powerful force on earth.
I know that without a doubt.
Yet still...
God's love has  probably been THE most difficult thing for me to accept...and live with the knowledge of that in my heart.

Sometimes I feel isolated from the world.

Everyone is over there, living their lives, knowing, understanding, and [easily] accepting that they are loved; and loving in return.  And I'm over here by myself, knowing that love is a thing, knowing that it is the most powerful thing to exist (it did, after all, conquer death), but unable to grasp such an abstract concept.

In my head, I know that God loves me.
In my head, I know that my family, my friends, my boyfriend - they all love me.
In my head, I know that I love them.

But head knowledge is nothing if the truth of that knowledge doesn't seep into your heart and plant itself deeply, causing your whole life and perspective to change based off of the heart knowledge of that truth.

I can't really ever recall a time in my life when I knew with my heart that I was loved; and that the truth of that changed how I lived my life.
Except maybe once, for a few months, when I was nineteen.
But that time has come and gone, due to my own self-destruction.

What is it?
Is it just that love is clumped with all the other emotions I can't process or understand?
Is it that I am so fearful of being hurt so deeply that I can't recover, and so I block myself from being able to accept love?
Or is it the fact that I feel like I have to earn every single thing that comes my way, and so then love - of course - must be earned as well.

But how can love be earned?
And if that is the only kind of love I allow myself to take, than what kind of love am I giving those around me, if not love that they must earn as well?

That is not at all the way to live.

How do I change it though?
How do I understand love?
Love without condition?
Agape - God's kind of love.  Unconditional.

It is a foreign concept to me.
I think my personality plays a huge part into this.
Things must be earned, they cannot be taken without proving oneself to be worthy of them.

But that goes completely against what love really is.
And completely cheapens the price that Christ paid on the cross.

I don't know where I'm going with this.

I guess I am still trying to understand and process why I cannot just take and believe people when they tell me they love me.
Much less believe - truly believe - that the Creator of the universe loves me, simply for who I am.
Flaws, mistakes, imperfections, purposeful rebellious decisions, and all.

Who knows.
Maybe (hopefully) one day I'll figure it out.
Because God knows I want to.

Not for my sake, but for the sake of those in my life who are important to me.

I am struggling, straining, grasping.
For straws, for air, for hope.

I think I have learned that hopelessness is far more painul than heartbreak.

Or perhaps I knew that in my head before...but not by experience.

Hope is what pushes us.
It is what keeps us moving.
And those who are completely depleted of hope?
They end their lives.

Heartbreak is terrible.
You feel sick, you can't eat, you can't sleep.
But eventually dawn breaks, and hope is still there.
The hope of knowing that love like that exists out there, and that if you found it once, perhaps you will find it again.

But hope?
Once hope is gone - once it is truly extinguished - you are gone as well.


I have been struggling with hope for so long.
Clawing, digging, scratching to find it.
To cling to what little I had.
To strain my eyes towards that pinprick of light in the distance, knowing that hope exists, but barely being able to see it.

There is hope.
There is always hope.

But my God, how hard it is to see sometimes.

Any hope I may have, I bury deep inside.
Because as much as I long to cradle it, to nurture it...I am terrified of losing it.
Because it has been slipping out of my grasp for so long.
And I cannot bear to continue to lose it.

So here I am.
Struggling to not give in.
To not hold my breath to wait and see what happens.
Because if things do not pan out, if the requirements are not met...

All hope is lost.
And my heart will be shattered again.
(And I am sure I will not be able to recover this time.)


Please, oh please, let truth be sought after and the power of Love be evident.
Help me get back to where I used to be.
Where life had meaning and fear was not prevalent and the unknown was exciting because I had trust in the hand of Who was in control.
And peace ruled instead of chaos.

To get back to that place.
To who I was.
Someone who found energy from a source when I was dry, because the well-being of others and giving time and love to them was infinitely more important than my own self.
Selfless and more concerned with building those around me up, rather than focusing on my selfish needs and desires.
Working harder and caring more and living life to the fullest despite the sadness.

I cannot ask what happened between then and now because I know.
But I can only hope that one day I will return to that.
Not so much for my benefit.
But for the benefit of those in my life whom I love.

Someday.
Someday.

...

How did I end up here?

Falling back on something I once overcame?

After years of struggling, to recovery, and now back to the same old habit?

I guess when you're addicted, you're addicted.
And that's the end of that.

...right?

People talk about how it's good to feel things, how it's good to have emotions...hell, even how it's good to feel things deeply.

But what happens if you feel things (everything) deeply, but are unable to handle how you feel?

You find coping mechanisms.

Sometimes healthy.

Sometimes not.

Usually not, in my case.

And the funny thing is, is you think you have it under control.
You think you can just resort to it during the really bad times, but handle the easy stuff on your own.
But then even the "easy" stuff becomes something you can't handle anymore.
And it ends up controlling you.

And you trick yourself into thinking you can stop at any time you choose.
And maybe you can.
If nothing was within your reach to use.
But the inability to find that release would drive you near insanity.
So you keep it quiet and "under control."

And there you are.
In pain.
Hurting.
Alive, but dead.

And it eats you.
Alive.
And you hear its call every second of every day and you want to run to it as soon as you get home behind closed doors.

Just one more time.
I just need to feel something.
How else am I supposed to express what I feel inside?

Again.
Again.
Again.

Slice. Slice. Slice.

A temporary release.
For control.
For pain.
For life.

Emotions may be good, but they drive you mad.
They drive you sad.

And you feel and you don't and you wonder if there's an escape.

(But you also hope there's not.)