Being in this in-between season of life isn't the easiest thing in the world for me.
Because instead of being distracted with work or the gym or even school (which is hopefully in the works), I have nothing to do, all day every day, and so my mind feels like it's eating itself, from how active my brain is.

That being said, having all this great spare time on my hands, I am now thinking a LOT about my life - my childhood, the way I was raised, how I see the world now because of those things - and there is so much to think about and process and realise, that I literally feel like I'm going insane sometimes.  (Not fun.  0/10, would not recommend.)

My parents raised my siblings and myself all the same.  Same techniques for all children, not realising that some manners of discipline, while working on some of us, wouldn't work on others (read: me).  Now that they're older and have hindsight in their favour, they can see that they could have done better in some ways.

And that's good.

But that doesn't unfuck me, that doesn't undo all the things I dealt with as a child that I have to heal from now because of the way I was raised.

So here's one of the things I'm struggling with:
Do I tell my parents how the way they raised me really fucked me over (though not in such vulgar terms for their ears), or do I just never speak up?

It would be easy to say that I should just let it go.  That since they're no longer in the child-rearing phase of their lives, that telling them "hey, this wasn't so good, and here's why" wouldn't produce any good results.  If anything, it could make them feel like failures.  And while I don't have the best relationship with my parents, the last thing I want to do is hurt them by telling them they messed me up royally.

But then in the shower this morning, because of a dream I had (which woke me up because the sobbing I was doing in my dream translated to real life), I was thinking about my parents dying (as they are getting older in age), and how I stayed distant from them because I didn't have a solid relationship with them, and how when/if they die, I would live with that regret the rest of my life.  The regret of not putting things out in the open, in a diplomatic, kind way, and letting them know that the things they did, I now suffer from in my adult life.

Ways that make me feel like a broken being.  Like I'm less than whole.  Like I will never be enough, will never deserve things, like my voice doesn't matter, and a myriad of other problems that now affect the relationship I have with the love of my life.


I don't want to live a life of regrets.
And I know that if I don't speak up, and something happens to make it too late to speak up, that I will live with that regret for the rest of my life.
And knowing myself, and knowing how that kind of regret can feel, I'm positive I wouldn't be able to overcome that.


Does the relationship between parents and children ever change?  Is it always "you were the small being I raised, and I'm here to protect you, even if that means not telling you everything, and that I know better, and I don't need to listen to things you say?"  Or can that dynamic change into something where all parties look at each other as adults, equal, whose opinions matter and ideas can be discussed without deeming someone to be wrong or "sinful" or even evil?

I feel like I read something online in the past year or so where parents will forever see their children as their children, and for that initial instinct in wanting to care for them and protect them, that even as their children become adults and start their own families, the parents will still treat them as their children, whatever that may look like, depending on the family.
...or maybe I made that up in my head.  Who knows.

I almost feel like it's wrong for parents and their children to be equals, for them to treat each other as friends.  I'm aware that part of my mindset for thinking this is because of my own home environment in my childhood.  I remember in my early adult years, hearing from people how they were friends with their mom or dad or both and it was such a foreign concept for me to wrap my head around.  (It still is, to be honest.) 
So what's the right way that kind of relationship should look like?  Obviously very strict parameters when the children are young; the parents are in charge, and the children need to listen and obey and respect their parents.  But as they begin to grow older, learn more, have ideas of their own, the relationship should begin to shift and change, right?  So what does that look like?  And even if your child is an adult (meaning 18, by legal terms) and still living at home, how does the parental relationship look then?  (Definitely not the way mine looked when I was living at home and over 18, I'll tell you that.)


My brain is tired and most of the time these days I want to repeatedly stab it with an ice pick to shut it up, but I currently don't own any ice picks. 

Anyway. 
More to think about, I guess.