I guess it's kind of noticeable from my recent blog posts, but...I have been hardcore struggling the past couple of weeks.

I think the moment it started was after reading about a prominent pastor who was an advocate for mental health (as he himself struggled with depression), ended up committing suicide.

And then reading comments made by people on one particular post that linked to the article talking about aforementioned pastor, people have now decided that committing suicide is not a sin.

I have heard most of my life that it is a sin.  Likened unto murder, which the bible clearly states is a sin (apparently suicide is murdering yourself...or something).

But here's the thing:
If suicide ISN'T a sin, then why aren't Christians offing themselves left and right?  I mean, who wants to fucking suffer in this world if you have a way of early escape from all the pain and hardship to be with Jesus?

If only someone who was a Christian who committed suicide could come back to life and confirm for me that it is, indeed, not a sin, then I would jump right in that boat.


I also read a post somewhere online written by someone else who struggles with depression.  They called their brain "broken."  Truthfully, I've never thought of my brain that way...until a few days after I read the post.  To me, it was more "it is what it is."  As in, my brain is like this.  This is the state of my being.  It has always been this way, and it will always be this way.  There is no way to change it or fix it and I just have to live with it.  The end.

But then, it hit me.
My brain is broken.
And I can't fix it.

And the complete and utter...despair...that I felt when that realisation hit me...

Never have I desired so strongly to end my life than in that moment.
And every moment since that realisation.

Which brings me to now.

And just like every day before then, I have that urge of wanting to die.  To end it all.
But now, instead of that urge being something I could more or less ignore, it now plagues my every thought.
I think about it day in and day out.
What if it isn't a sin?
Could I get away with it?

Truthfully, if I was sure of my salvation (which I have never been, so that's cool), and knew for sure that suicide wasn't a sin (or at least, a sin I would be condemned to hell for), than I would probably end it all.  Just like that.

Because who really wants to live with a broken brain?
Who wants to wake up every morning, wanting to die, wanting to lay in bed because life is too hard, feeling like you're living in a brain fog 24/7, never feeling clarity, never fully being happy, and others in your life blame themselves for your lack of happiness, when in reality, it's absolutely nothing they have control over or can fix.

Anyway.

Life sucks.
Depression is a bitch.
And I want to die.